I pursued the christian life for the next three years like a kid on a dividing line ... one foot in and one foot out. I wanted to work magic and do optical illusions. I wanted to be all-in, in both places.
All things to all people.
And God is plenty secure in his identity even when we are not. He is patient and He is committed and He was everywhere I didn't want him to be. Pulling at me in the bar and in the fraternity house and while I cried in my room. He was in the mirror and on the scale and at mile five at 6 a.m.
I encountered him in my messiest places and He became the only place where I could actually breathe. With Him, I could be fully me. Messed up and tired out and not ok. He bowled me over and he lingered on my skin and He stayed on my mind. I wondered just how full the full life could be.
And after years of trying not to care, trying not to choose ... I waved a white flag and stepped over that line.