October 28, 2011

Spend Yourself {Day 27} :: Live loved (part 1)

I have been a journal writer for as long as I have been able to write. Anything significant in this little life has been scribbled down somewhere, in some fashion. I can't make sense of anything otherwise.

I have been painfully private for equally as long. I have opted out of every peer revision group, from middle school until recently. This says more about my fear and upside-down pride than anything else ... never wanting to risk humiliation, criticism. Never wanting to be wrong.

Truth is, I am wrong all the time.

And this fear of critique has extended well beyond my make-believe writing life. This fear has kept me living afraid in all areas. Quiet and choosing the back row. It has kept me mysterious and noncommittal. It has kept me safe and mediocre. And a little bit flighty ... because people don't expect too much from the flighty girl.

I have heard bad habits die hard, and this fear has been a killer to kill. Over the summer, I read that only cowards "under-promise and over-deliver." This is who I have been.

He is growing me up.

And now? I am learning to live unafraid. I am learning to live loved. 

And this journey is wrapping up faster than I can write and I am more tired than I ever thought I would be. Still, I have to walk you back a few paces. I have to introduce you to someone.   

We all have pivotal moments in this life. Moments that make perfect sense and moments that pave the way, open our eyes. Some of those moments include people.

And this woman has been like a distant, kindred friend-- etching His words onto my heart and I haven't been the same. Truly. She has become part of my story ... like so many who, by sharing their own lives, bring us closer to the full life too.

I know you will be blessed.

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